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The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The Santa said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the Santa.
The Santa said "you're welcome."
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
Jack is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Jack replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Jack answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Jack replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Two men go into a pub, order their drinks and sit down. Then they each take out some
sandwiches and start to eat them. The barman shouts "Hey, you can't eat your own food here". They look at each other, and with a shrug of their shoulders, swap sandwiches and carry on.
Two men are chatting in a bar. First man says "I've had terrible luck with both of my wives". "How come?" said the second man. "Well" said the first man "My first wife left me .... and my second wife hasn't."
Two men talking in a pub. First man said " How did you get that black eye?" Second man " My wife hit me and it was all because of television programmes". "I don't understand" said the first man. "Well, she asked me if I knew what was on TV. and I replied - dust".
Two men were chatting in a pub. First man says "What is your wife’s name?".
Her name is Doris but I call her five horses replied the second man.
"Why do you call her that?"
"NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG is all she ever does" he replied.
Doctor: I have some bad news and worse news.
Patient: Whats is it doc?
Doctor: The lab test results show that you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh my God!
Doctor: The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable.
Management Team: Why do most married men die before their wives?
Santa: Because they want to.
Management Team:: What do diapers and Politicians have in common?
Santa: They both need changing regularly - for exactly the same reason.
Management Team:: What is the definition of the early evening news?
Santa: It starts with the words "Good evening" then spends the next half an hour tellling you why it isn't one.
Management Team: What device will find furniture in a poorly lit room every time?
Santa: Your shinbone
Management Team:: Why do parents give children a middle name?
Santa: So the child knows when it is in seriously in trouble
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